Open Letter To Ashlee Simpson

Dear Ashlee:

Stop. For the love of GOD. Just stop.

Its not that you don't have talent. Okay. It is. I just feel that I should bestow upon you a few words of wisdom. Because I like ya, kid. Just not your voice. I don't want you to get the wrong idea.
Last summer you came out with a sweet little song about young, innocent love. It was cheesy, but then I always had a secret love for cheesy songs. Damn Vitamin C.
I watched your show on MTV. I sympathized when you thought ugly hair Cabrerra didn't get you anything for Valentine's Day and when your mom said you looked like a boy on the set of that Pizza Hut commercial. I wept for you Ashlee Simpson.
Then you came out with this song about how your parents loved Jessica more. And suddenly you're more angsty than a "My So Called Life" marathon. Whats that? She's wearing black fingernail polish!! She died her hair!!!Edgy!! You starred on 7th Heaven.
This would all be fine, except for the fact that you sing about as well as I do. And I can carry a tune as long as its in a fairly large bucket with a sturdy handle. Translation: I wouldn't be able to sing live.
Which brings us to the infamous SNL performance that had many of us asking "Why Ashley, Why?" Why take the risk of getting caught and embarassed in front of God and Jude Law and everybody? Why do that ridiculous Irish jig?
Then came the criticism. But mainly just from Elton John. And Edgy!Avril Lavigne (ugh. Shut up Lavigne.) And then pretty much every late night talk show host on public and cable television.
I must admit. You handled it fairly well. But did you think that a couple of TRL appearances with you jesting about the debacle would make it all go away? Oh, Ashlee. Thou art naive. Two words: Orange Bowl. and. Ouch. Make that three words. Ashlee, that was a reaction akin only to Roseanne Barr's rendition of "The Star Spangled Banner." And that wasn't pretty.
Here's what you need to do and don't take this the wrong way: find another profession. I don't care what. Act. Write a book. Just take some serious time off. Maybe come back a few years later with a new, mellowed album. Nothing involving la-la-ing on a kitchen floor. You know what I'm saying? I'm thinking it could be big. Because didn't you want to rent Gigli just to see if it was as horrible as you had heard? Yeah. That's what I thought.
Just something to think about. Glad to be of help.